Relationship Talk #2

Women Say: I Don't Need A Man!


Here's a part 2 of our Relationship Talk below is another clip of Iyanla Fix My Love Life where she points out somethings I see women do at the salon alot relating to relationships. This is an issue I think ladies need to view themselves to make sure the message that they are putting out there is the one that they want to get and what they want to receive back!

Not long ago, I was at the salon talking to one of my clients and she had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years. She couldn’t figure out what quite went wrong, her position was “why wouldn't he want me and if anything for that matter, why wouldn't any man?” “I have a job, a car, a house, a college degree, I am a catch. I did everything for him, I cooked, I cleaned, I paid all the bills (even though he had a job), and I even took him to work if he needed.” The more I listened to her talk about their relationship; I couldn’t tell if she was his girlfriend or his mother. She wasn’t acting like a girlfriend but more of a caregiver to me. I had to ask her why was she paying all the bills and taking care of him? She says, "Because it's my house." I said, "It's your house that he lives in equally, and that’s why you feel that only you should pay the bills??" She said, "yes, I don’t need a man, all I need him for is sex really." I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Even after women profess this mentality and become married, they still have problems getting through this mantra.

I have two other clients that are married and they are still struggling with this. The first thing that came to mind was the thought process one of my clients' who was 20 yrs old at the time had. She was sitting in my chair and said how she was working part-time while in school trying to get her cosmetology license. She has two small children already and they had only been married a few months, and they live with his grandmother. She vented about her concerns and trying to keep her head above water with her part-time job with two babies to feed. Her husband had a full time job and makes more money than she, and she needed a newer car and he wanted to buy her one but she didn't want him to. "Umm, wait a minute, you don’t want your husband to get you a car and you don’t have one currently?" I asked. She said, "No, I want to get my own car. I’m independent.”Again, “huh, you’re independent from your husband?? I was thoroughly confused about how you can be both single and married?" But, this thinking transcends age. I have another client who is older and doing well in life, but she has possibly made her husband feel that they won’t be married too long after being married for almost a year. He feels she won’t even blink an eye if they divorce. She wonders, "how can he think like that?" "Is he insecure?" However, she continues to do things that would make anyone think that it could happen. They’ve moved into a beautiful new home, but she kept her own home that she had before they married, even though he sold his after they were married. She got a prenup so he couldn’t have any of her future money (even though currently he makes more). They go on long trips without each other and she believes her money is hers and his is hers, and wonders if there should be a cap on the amount of money that she should allow him to use of hers. I just couldn't believe the things I’m hearing behind that chair.

But I’ve heard many women say they don't need a man before and even since then. I think it’s becoming more and more common that ladies use this as motto's in music, movies, etc. I personally think that it’s going too far because in another breath I see these same women trying to find one.

“I don’t need a man!”

We will say this, but in my whole life I have never heard a man say, “I don’t need a woman!”

I began to wonder what it really means when a woman says, “I don’t need a man!”

I asked a guy what you first think of when you hear a woman say, “I don’t need a man.” It always sounded to me like she was a “bitter person” with a lot of baggage, or like someone who had a chip on her shoulder from being played with by some guy(s). Also, she might have impossible standards or something could be wrong with her. For some reason it never sounded as though the woman making the statement was “happy”.

Times have changed, a woman with a career, home, car, and a 401k is not rare these days.

In fact, according to labor statistics more women are becoming the “bread winners” or earning more than their husbands. However, there seems to be an (equality VS tradition) issue going on in lots of households. Don’t you think many of these bread winning wives still wish their men earned more than they do?

Here's an interview I got from Examiner.com about “I don’t need a man!” statement. They interviewed a woman and this was her response. She responded to my 7 questions below.

Please feel free to comment on what the statement means to you and how it should be interpreted by the listener. However let’s first examine the word “NEED”.

Need Vs Want....

Basically there are only 5 things an adult truly "needs" to survive.

1. Air

2. Water

3. Food

4. Shelter

5, Clothing (It’s the law in most places)

Just a side note- all 5 of the above items can also be found at any county jail.

Therefore I’m fairly certain anything beyond the (5 needs) falls under another category such as “Want” or “Nice to have”. So why women bring that up I’m not too sure.

When we substitute the word want for need the statement reads;

“I don’t want a man!” hmmm….

“I don’t need a man!” What does that really mean?

1. Is this a pride thing or a statement of financial independence?

It depends. For some women it is a pride issue of being emotionally independent. They have seen women kill themselves to be with men and devalue themselves when they are not with men. Their desire is to prove to the world that they are strong enough to be alone and they are willing to pay whatever cost it takes to be alone. For other women it might be an issue of financial independence where the female believes that she is financially sound and on some level she was probably taught that was the purpose of a man in your life…financial. So, if I am financially sound and doing it real big why would I need a man. The sentiment is “I got this on my own”.

2. Is this a confirmation?

The phrase could be used as an affirmation. For some women who have not dated and have been given messages that a man will complete a woman in an effort to free themselves from that crazy bondage they may say to themselves “I don’t need a man” meaning I can be happy, find interesting things to do, learn and better myself without the presence of a man. This is contrary to those women who believe that they are nothing without a man. They swing from man to man like jungle vines literally afraid to be by themselves. Some women see being able to stand alone without a man is a sign of strength.

3. Is it a slam against other women who are perceived to "need a man"?

Yes, definitely! For the woman who says “I don’t need a man “that it is directed more to the woman who appears to “need” a man than to the actual man. Those women are seen as weak and incapable of loving themselves enough to spend time with…themselves. For the woman who shouts “I don’t need a man” she is saying I am better and stronger than you because I can survive without a man and you can’t.

4. So the word "Need" implies some kind of weakness such as begging?

Yes! It is generally looked upon by some women as a weakness to “need” a man. The whole “I’m straight when I have a man” and “I’m a mess when I don’t have one” is seen as a weakness. The assumption is they tend to let this temporary condition define them too much.

5. Is it a self-defense statement she makes because she does not have a man or is it the man she has is not up to her “standards”?

Sometimes, yes. Remember when we were kids and when you were the only one who didn’t have something that everyone else did your natural coping response was to say “I didn’t want it anyway” The same is true for relationships. After being without a man by choice or by circumstance for a long period of time one begins to think “I better make the most of this.” I think it just depends on what stage you are in your life.

6. Does she not want a man?

It depends. She may want a man but doesn’t want to feel like she’s not complete without one. She may also feel like that time in her life has passed her by and the whole “I don’t need a man” thing is a defense mechanism to hide her disappointment about being alone.

She may not want a man because she has been hurt or disappointed in the past and has not done the work to overcome the memories of the bad relationships in her past. She may also not want a man because she truly doesn’t have a desire to share her life with a man at this time in her life.

7. What is a man suppose to do with this information? Say, “Thanks for letting me know” and move on to a woman who does need a man in her life?”

In my humble opinion I would say that a man should examine what that means. As I have explained it could be a number of reasons why a woman might feel that way. If the reason she is saying, “I don’t need a man in my life but I want you in my life” I would encourage the man to go for it unless he is the type that wants to feel needed. (Like most men are)

I will admit that I have said I don’t need a man but that doesn’t also mean that I don’t want a man. When I fall in love again (I know I will) I might get to the point where I say “I can’t see my life without you” or “You are an incredibly important part of my life”… but I don’t know that I could say that I needed him because…okay here it goes…"what if knowing that makes him act like a big dummy and then he leaves me. Then I will have let my guard down for the wrong person…once again." (This made me think are the reason women saying this is based out of some fear or insecurity to prove that we don’t need one. Like if I say I don’t need in the first place if it doesn’t happen I didn’t want it anyway so it doesn’t feel like nothing is lost.)

I imagine women that genuinely don’t need/want men probably are the least likely to feel compelled state it unless they are asked.

I initially thought it was very similar to me walking around saying, “I don’t need cocaine!”

However, as my friend pointed out the “I don’t need a man!” statement is a way of rejecting/rebelling what society has told them they do “need” or are suppose to need.

Society is not telling me that I should “need” cocaine or any other vices.

Nonetheless, I suspect there is a segment of women who simply have given up on romance and love. After all this is a very cynical world we live in, but to claim/affirm you don’t need something that you really do “want “is the best way to assure yourself that you will never get it.

We have a way of getting the things we “decide that we need”.

A drug addict with a $300 a day habit will find a way to get his fix which works out to $2100 a week or over $109k a year. Nothing is impossible.

I use the drug analogy simply to illustrate the will of a human spirit determined to have something. By no means am I suggesting that a woman pursue a man or love in the same fashion as an addict goes after drugs.

What I am suggesting is if you really do want something it’s probably wise to stop telling yourself and others you don’t want it!

The majority of people (both men and women) imagine what life would be like to have their "ideal mate" and yet we learn to accept the reality that we may never have it.

Most people aren't going to win the lottery either, but that does not stop millions of people from buying a ticket. In fact most of us have a better shot of falling in love with our "soul-mate" than we do winning a million dollars in the lottery!

It’s our desire, wanting/needing something which gives us motivation to get through another day, month, and year. You are entitled to dream of having someone special to snuggle with in front of the fireplace, take strolls with along the beach, have picnics in the park with, go out to dinner, plays, concerts, take exotic vacations with…etc

Make sure your today’s wishing for not needing/wanting a man doesn’t keep you from the not having a man that you truly desire for your tomorrow. Are you going don’t let your not need a man keep you from not wanting or having one. Don’t let your wishing for not wanting a man keep you from not having one!

So does this change any of your views or just confirm them we would like to hear from you!?