Relationship Talk #3 Have You Been Mistreated by your Mate?

What is Emotional Abuse?


Iyanla Fix my Life: fix My Cheating Husband

This episode is about a woman who call in for Iyanla to help her make a decision about what to do with her husband of 10yrs who happens to be a pastor and has cheated with about 20 women. They currently live a double life because she has her own apartment with the kids and then on Sunday they go into chuch togther as if nothing iswrong. She sits in the first pew knowing that some of the women her husband has sleep with are right there in the congregation (he admits to ), one of his indecretions has resulted in a child. The whole thing has been a mess and now she has had an affair as well. When Natashia has a sit down with Iyanla she has a few things she wants her to realize and this is one:

Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with one’s positive emotional development and over time, can lead to significant detriment to one’s self- esteem, emotional well-being and physical state. Verbal abuse creates emotional pain and mental anguish. It is a lie told to you or about you. Generally, verbal abuse defines people telling them what they are, what they think, their motives, and so forth.  It has been further described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control. Usually one person is blaming, accusing, even name calling, and the other is defending and explaining.

Below are some common signs of verbal abuse:

  Being called names by your spouse. Any negative form of name calling is unacceptable. If you feel that it is a put down, then it most likely is. There are names that are obvious and, without question abusive. Then there are the covert, veiled attempts to put a spouse down that are harder to identify. Verbal abusers love to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down. If your spouse is constantly criticizing you, “for your own good,” be careful. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.

   Using words to shame. Critical, sarcastic, mocking words meant to put you down either alone or in front of other people.

Yelling, swearing and screaming. I call this the “walking on eggs shells” syndrome because you are living with someone who goes verbally ballistic for very little cause. You’re stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

Using threats to intimidate. No threat should be taken likely, even if your spouse tells you they are only joking, especially if it causes you to change behaviors or to feel on guard in the relationship.

Blaming the victim. Your spouse blows his/her top and then blames you for their actions and behavior. If you were only perfect they wouldn’t lose control!

Your feelings are dismissed. Your mate refuses to discuss issues that upset you. They avoid discussion of any topic where they might have to take responsibility for their actions or words.

Can’t seem to resolve issues. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

You often wonder why you feel so bad. You bury your feelings; walk on egg shells and work so hard at keeping the peace that every day becomes an emotional chore. You feel depressed and have even wondered if you are crazy. Your self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. You may consciously or unconsciously try to change your behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

Manipulating your actions. The persistent and intense use of threatening words to get you to do something or act in a way you find uncomfortable. This form of verbal abuse is common at the end of a marriage. If your spouse doesn’t want a divorce they will say whatever it takes to play on your emotions, to get you to stay in the marriage. All in an attempt to get you to comply with their desires, regardless of what is best for you as an individual.

Verbal abuse usually escalates. It increases in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

Responding to Verbal Abuse:

If your mate, the person you are closest to habitually, verbally abuses you and dismisses your feelings, you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. When you finally recognize and come to terms with the idea that you are being verbally abused you need to also become focused on getting help. Here are some steps you can take if faced with verbal abuse:

  Abuse is never justified so, you should never feel that it is your fault.

  Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.

  Seek counseling, either together or separately.

  Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.

  If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.

  Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.

  Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.

  Leave the relationship. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then it is time to consider divorce. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser. If you make this decision hire an attorney familiar with domestic violence, stay in close contact with your support system and focusing on learning good coping skills.

Usually the underlying factor in the dynamic of abuse can be viewed as the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. As the abuser may fear not being “good enough” and/or meeting other’s expectations, the abuser may attempt to place their victim in the position to feel or believe similar things about him or herself.

Physical abuse is easily identified. There is no doubt, once you have been hit, that you have been physically abused. You don’t second guess yourself because the bruises and scars are visible evidence that abuse has taken place. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal; there are no physical bruises or scars, but it wounds your spirit and sense of self-esteem. Just because a old relationship is what you’re used to and your scared to move on it’s not worth giving up on you having a happy fulfilled life. You can’t have that with someone who just cuts you down. SO Live Love and Be Glam U lous!

Source: About.com